When do we reach a stage when we really know what we are doing? I used to think that by the time I reached the status of school mum that I would know what I was doing. They say it gets easier, I think whoever said that does not have children. Being a parent is by far my biggest challenge yet, no book or parenting bible can prepare you for what lies ahead. You could say it is a work in progress, the document has to be re written on so many occasions, so much so that I have lost count as to which edit I should be working from.
As the school year progresses, I am slowly coming to the realisation that I will never really know what I am doing. I can’t help but feel like I am failing at being a school mum. One day I will be winning at parenting and the next not so much, going back and forth between feeling like a hoax and sheer elation at the thought of helping Lil G with his spellings. I know that he can handle school, he is emotionally ready, he has so much fun with his friends and really enjoys learning but I cannot ignore the fact that he finds some parts of his educational journey a little tricky. And this is the page we are stuck on right now.
Raising a child, one that is strong willed yet so thoughtful and sensitive is by far the most rewarding role I have ever played. I say played because really, on some days I do feel like it is a part in a play that I am acting out. Whether it be a teacher, a nurse, a mother, a scientist, a football coach or even a story teller I am really just playing a part in this journey, our journey as a family and mine as a mother. Being a school mum at the moment really hurts.
Parenting is an intense experience and one that on some days leaves me beaten. I am not ashamed to admit that I question whether I am cut out for the next 50 years or more, because as we all know and I hope so much so, that being a parent doesn’t end when they turn eighteen or move out of the family home. Being a parent is the most responsible role I will have in my lifetime. I want to show this boy of ours so much of the world, I want to give him the greatest opportunities but most of all I want him to know he is loved. And that as his parents we will always be there to guide him. My parents let me down in a way that I hope no little or big person ever has to experience. I don’t want to be them.
They say it gets easier, I am here to tell you that after five and a half years it does not, it gets so much harder in so many different ways than I ever imagined.
Mummy, my homework is tricky. It is the sadness in his face, the worry in his eyes that haunts me. At five years old he should not feel like he is failing. It isn’t fair. And whilst I know that it stretches the mind, that it is good for him to be challenged and that in time all will become easier. But I am taking so much comfort in all of your comments and support to my recent Instagram Stories and posts. Thank you all for the advice and heartfelt messages, it really does mean so much. I have to remind myself that our gorgeous boy is still so young, despite being fiercely head strong he is also a really sensitive soul. When he doesn’t do so well he beats himself up and this is what I am trying to support him through.
These posts though far and few between, are probably some of my favourites that I write. They allow me the freedom to write how I am feeling, to express how challenging being a parent can be. They remind me of the reason why I started this online space some three years ago, it is my journal. A place for me to document life as it has changed since becoming a mummy to our gorgeous boy.